Dating After Divorce (3 Pitfalls)

It’s 9PM and you’re all alone in your bachelor flat, except for your dog.

He’s a great companion, but you long for human contact, for the softness and gentleness of a woman.

You feel lonely and ready to try whatever works.

So you pick up your phone and launch Tinder.

Maybe you’ll get lucky finding a proper “match“ today.

Three reasons why this is a bad move after a breakup or divorce:

1. Horrible choices and drama

It’s no shame to be at a low place emotionally after your breakup or divorce. After all, you lost the person who you spent the last couple of years with and who probably was your best friend as well.

Dating instead of taking time for yourself and healing can be a real problem though. You’ll likely attract someone who resonates with that lower emotional quality as well (fear, sadness, despair).

Ask yourself: Would I date myself right now? If the answer is no, you’ve got some work to do. You don’t want to attract a woman into your life who is going to increase the drama you already have, do you? Remember: Like attracts like.

2. The secret to a proper fire

Before you make a fire (where you might need tinder), you first have to collect firewood. You want a controlled fire, not set the undergrowth aflame and maybe even light up your tent. “Getting your logs in order“ means taking care of yourself first. Your emotions, habits, life. 

If your life is one big mess, do you think a woman is going to help you?

That’s not her role, except if she’s your mother. If you think your problem is “loneliness“ and you have difficulty being by yourself consider this: Dating someone while feeling unhappy with yourself won’t solve your issue, it’s just a distraction from the work that needs to be done. You have to divide your time between your job, children and yourself. Temptations will always be there.

Be honest with yourself: What do you think is a good area to focus on right now to move through this whole thing gracefully?

3. Online-Dating: A Black Hole

You entertain the fantasy that if only you get a shot with the right person, your problems will be solved. What you don’t realize is that this kind of passivity could be part of the problem you had in your relationship with your wife or girlfriend as well.

Let’s face it: There’s an overabundance of men looking for women on dating apps and beautiful women have a lot of choice. If your self-esteem is low it can make you feel worse about yourself. You don’t go out into the rain without a rain jacket, likewise it’s unwise to move into online-dating with a solid foundation of confidence and knowing who you are and what you are looking for.

I hope you can see how dating too soon or for the wrong reasons can be distracting you from building long-term happiness.

Do you really want to give up your long-term well-being for short-term pleasure and distraction? If not now, when is the time to make smart decisions and avoid repeating the mistakes of the past?